We’ve been wanting to socialise for the past year. We’ve dreamt that we’d be able to see our family and friends and head out for the evening. All of a sudden, our wishes have been granted, and yet many of us feel anxious about meeting people again. Even the biggest extroverts can feel stressed or uncomfortable in the company of new groups of people.
Maybe you’re worried that your social skills have gone out the window as your Friday nights consist of Netflix and alone time. Now, you’ve been invited to family gatherings, parties, dinner and drinks and the fear of attending is looming. How do I chat to people with ease again? What if there are new people there? How can we ease our anxiety in social situations?
Maybe you’ve always felt uncomfortable chatting to people. Or, perhaps this is a new thing that has cropped up this past while. As much as I love striking up a conversation, I too have found the transition challenging.
I decided to research some ways we can help improve our social skills and manage the fear of conversation, even if it can’t be conquered entirely.
Improve Social Skills & Manage your Fear of Conversation
1. Ask open ended questions
Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They are much better when chatting to people in a social situation, as the person can elaborate on their responses. Also, fun fact- people love to talk about themselves. So by asking open questions, such as:
- How are you keeping?
- How was your summer (or whatever season has just passed)?
- What do you do for work?
- Are you enjoying tonight?
- Have you been watching any Netflix shows recently?
You can get more than a one or two-word answer from them, and the conversation is likely to develop into something else. If you would like to learn more about open-ended questions, here’s an article on it. If you’re genuinely interested in their response, this will improve your social skills as you’ll be more involved in the conversation. It’s quite evident when people ask questions out of politeness but have no real desire to listen. Which leads me to my next point…
2. Genuinely Listen
When the person is answering, fully listen to what they’re saying and follow up with another question or comment on what they’ve just told you. Try not to think of what you’re going to respond with whilst they’re talking, as this can distance you from the conversation and can make you feel more anxious. If you truly listen to what they’re telling you, there will be several questions you could follow up with, and you’ll feel more calm being present.
3. Keep it lighthearted
No one wants to be asked why their pet died when they’re enjoying themselves at a party. Of course, some people do bring these things up, which is hard to avoid. But generally speaking, people are there to have a good time, so try and avoid negative conversations. If you keep it lighthearted, the conversation will be easier to engage in and you’ll be remembered for being positive! You may be able to slip a wee joke in if you’re on fire x
4. Smile & Be Friendly
Smiling makes you seem more approachable. You instantly look like someone worth chatting to (but don’t force it and end up looking like the joker. Natural smiles pls). Smiling will also put your nerves at ease and make you seem relaxed, even if you’re not inside. I listened to a podcast on anxiety recently, and it said that although we think anxiety causes our bodies to tense up, in actual fact, our bodies tense up before our minds become anxious. So, by calming our physical body, by smiling and taking a deep breath, our anxiety reduces slightly. I can’t remember the exact name of this podcast, but here are some recommendations if you’d like to learn a bit more about calming anxiety from actual professionals (instead of an unqualified ejit like myself).
- The Mind: Explained– Anxiety Episode
- Podcast– Dr. Rangan Chatterjee ‘BITESIZE- How to Reduce Anxiety and Build Self Confidence’
- Podcast- Dr. Liza Cortez: ‘Therapy Tea With the Anxiety Dr.‘
- Podcast- Calming Anxiety Guided Meditation
5. Positive Mindset
If you’re entering the conversation thinking, “I don’t know what to talk about”, or “I’m going to mess this up”, you’ll feel anxious about the possible outcome. However, if you approach the conversation thinking, “I’m interested in finding out more about this person”, or “it’ll be great to catch up”, you open yourself up to the possibilities of chatting without putting pressure on the outcome. Sometimes we can get in our own heads and forget to enjoy the chat itself.
6. Open body language
If you sit with your arms folded, shoulders slouched and on your phone, you’re not going to seem overly approachable. I know this is hard to avoid sometimes when you’re feeling anxious, however, it may give off the appearance that you don’t want to chat with anyone. So, by keeping your body language open, people are 10 times more likely to start up a conversation with you.
7. Keep going
Even if a conversation went bad with one person, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed for the remainder of the night. Maybe they’re having an off day themselves, as a conversation is a two-way street. So don’t be so hard on yourself (now I’m thinking of that stupid Jess Glynne song and regretting my choice of words), keep chatting to whoever else is there. Practice makes perfect and after you’ve had one or two positive conversations, you’ll feel far more relaxed about chatting to others.
8. Call it a day
If the conversation has dried up with one person, make an excuse to go to the bathroom, or get a drink, and offer them one too (brownie points as you seem dead on and not stingy). We’ve all made these excuses a million times. Then, you can get chatting to someone else who might be more engaging whilst at the bar. Maybe set yourself down beside a different person when you come back down.
The main thing is that you enjoy being out again. Don’t be so hard on yourself if some conversations don’t go well. As I said before, it’s a two-way street and sometimes certain people are hard to converse with. Chances are, they’re thinking about it more than you. So keep going and who knows, by the end of it all you might have learned something from chatting to new people. You might come across the funniest person in the room and be entertained for the entire night (that’s me btw. Come up to me on a night out xx)
Let me know if any of you found this helpful. For more chats on conversations, check out my previous post on ‘How to Improve Conversations in 2021.’
Chat soon,
Eilís x
